Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
