he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
