Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
