He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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