we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
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