If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
