i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
