I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
