i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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