I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
