Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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