Well douche your snatch and let's go!
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
