I will die if light touches me.
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
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