It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Is it penis luge time yet?
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Randomize
