At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
