my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
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