btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Randomize
