She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
