i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Randomize