Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
