im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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