Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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