1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Randomize
