the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
