??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
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