I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
