my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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