If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Randomize
