I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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