Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Randomize
