You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
