Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Randomize
