They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
