Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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