it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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