Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
