why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
