I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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