it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
