I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
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Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
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I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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