I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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