Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
My cat gives me a boner
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
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He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
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Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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