I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
