I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Randomize
