i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Randomize
