i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
