did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Randomize
