Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
