Betty ford says i'm here all night
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Randomize
