i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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