Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
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