remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
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