I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
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