Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
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