i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
where are my eyebrows?
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
