was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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