this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
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literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
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Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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