hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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