I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Randomize