I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
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I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
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